


More Than Your Body

by Anybodies



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Aftercare, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attack?, Autistic Enjolras (Les Misérables), BDSM, Body Image, Depressed Grantaire, Depressive Spiral, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Food mention, Gender Dysphoria, Impact Play, M/M, Non-Sexual, Non-Sexual Kink, Self-Hatred, Trans Enjolras, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28911033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anybodies/pseuds/Anybodies
Summary: Enjolras has dysphoria. Grantaire hates his body. Sometimes kink helps them both get out of their own heads. They may not be able to fix each other, but they love each other, and sometimes that's enough.
Relationships: Enjolras/Grantaire (Les Misérables)
Kudos: 13





	1. Out of my Body, Out of my Head

**Author's Note:**

> Ch 2 or Ch 2 and 3 can be read alone to avoid cursing, conversations about dysphoria, and depressive thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: discussion of dysphoria, internalized self-hatred, brief kink negotiation, cursing

Grantaire unlocked the door and stepped into the apartment, reveling in the feeling of being well and truly at home. As much as he loved Bahorel and Feuilly, spending time with the boys just wasn’t the same as spending time with _his_ boy.

As he turned to hang his keys on the hook, he noticed Enjolras sitting silently on the couch, knees pulled up to his chest, looking blankly at Grantaire. That wasn’t too unusual. Sometimes Enj got overstimulated and needed to zone out for a bit. It had been a bit unsettling the first few times Grantaire found him like this when they had first moved in together, but now he was used to it. He figured Enjolras would probably be nonverbal for a while before becoming his usual, fiery self again, and that was perfectly fine.

He gave his boyfriend a loving smile and a “hey, cariño,” as he began toward the kitchen, stopping in his tracks as he heard:

“R…” Enjolras’ expression shifted into something slightly pained, then to resigned determination. “Do you think I’m pretty?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think you’re pretty, Enj. What’s going on?”

“Pretty,” he spat back. “I hate being pretty. I don’t want to be pretty; I just want… fuck it.” He turned his head and glared at the wall.

Grantaire walked over to the couch, put a fingertip under the other man’s chin, and gently turned him back to meet his eye. “Talk to me?”

“I just want to be a normal. fucking. guy! Just for once in my life have people treat me like a man! I’m so goddamn tired of being…” and suddenly all of the passion was gone. “I’m tired of being pretty,” he finished quietly, eyes returning to the wall.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Grantaire breathed, “I can’t even imagine. I’m so sorry, corazón. You know I love you so much, don’t you? I know I can’t magically make this better, but you’re the most amazing man in the world in my eyes, mi vida. Just… let me know if there’s anything I can do to help, okay? I can make dinner?”

“I just want out of my body. I want out of my head.” He looked at Grantaire pleadingly, “Help me get out of my head.”

Grantaire sat down next to him and took a hand into both of his own. “Okay, we can do that. Any hard limits today?” he asked, already trying to form a plan.

“No sex… I can’t deal with… Just, no sex. And no chest either. Maybe no ropes?” Enjolras paused, going through his mental checklist.

“Clothes stay on?” Grantaire guessed.

“Clothes stay on.” He took a deep breath before finishing with, “and can you use like… masculine words?”

“Of course. Anything for my perfect boy. Safewords?”

“Green for good. Yellow to pause and check in. Red to stop everything and end the scene.”

“Wonderful. And what happens if you use one of them?”

Enjolras rolled his eyes. “You’ll be very proud of me for sticking to my boundaries and taking care of myself.”

“Correct. Now go change into something comfortable. Leave your hair down. No shoes. When you’re ready come meet me in the study.”

“Yes, sir,” Enj responded, quickly kissing his boyfriend on the cheek, and hurrying off toward their room.

Grantaire took stalk of himself. Green flannel, jeans, brown work boots. He still had some paint under his nails, but that was a given. He went to the kitchen sink to wash his hands. God, he needed lotion. His hands were rough and cracked, callused from boxing and fencing. He couldn’t help but wish they were softer, gentler, more worthy of getting to touch his Apollo. He felt like he would never be worthy. Why would such an amazing, passionate, intelligent, charming, charismatic man want to be with someone like him? He was loud and crass, prone to drunkenness and poor choices: a college drop-out struggling artist with no goals and no social skills. How could a god-on-earth, a statue-made-flesh, want a scared and pockmarked mess of a man with a potbelly stomach and thighs covered in stretchmarks? He turned off the water and wiped his hands dry on his jeans. It didn’t matter. Enjolras chose him and that was what was important. And right now, he didn’t need to be attractive. He needed be confident and sure. He needed to be an anchor. He needed to be strong and solid. He could do solid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cariño- my dear  
> Corazón- heart/ sweetheart  
> Mi vida- my life


	2. Perfect Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: wearing boyfriend's clothes, kneeling, hair pulling, scratching, sub space, human footstool, spanking, impact play, praise

Grantaire shut the study door behind him, sat down, and swung his feet up onto the desk, pulling out a sketchpad and pencil to pass the time. Just as he was beginning to add rough detail to his sketch, he heard the door softly open and close again.

Enjolras stood quietly with his head down and his hands clasped behind his back. He was wearing his only pair of non-skinny jeans and a black t-shirt that was a bit too big for him.

“Is that my shirt?” Grantaire asked.

“Yes, sir. I hope you don’t mind. It’s soft and…” he blushed, “it smells like you. You said to wear something comfortable.”

Something about seeing his boyfriend in his clothes always made Grantaire feel possessive. “My own perfect boy, mi precioso, of course I don’t mind.” He held his hand out and waited for Enjolras to step in close. Cupping his jaw with one hand, he gently ran his thumb across Enj’s cheekbone. “I’m in the middle of a sketch. Can you be a good boy and kneel at my feet while I finish up?”

Enj nodded and knelt at the artist’s right side as Grantaire turned back around to place his sketchpad on the desk. He slowly carded one hand through the blond hair as he continued working. Every so often he would take a handful of hair and pull hard. The first few times Enj held his reactions back, but after about five minutes, Grantaire pulled and the man at his feet let out a soft, high gasp, followed by a contented sigh and Grantaire decided it was a good time to start being a bit rough. “Enj, look at me.” It was soft and gentle, but still left no room for argument.

Enjolras looked up and met his eye with a soft smile. Grantaire slapped across his face, hard and sudden, feeling Enjolras lean into the contact. “Thank you, sir,” he beamed, voice still soft.

Grantaire granted him an indulgent smile before instructing, “Get on your hands and knees, that’s a good boy. Do you want to be my nice footrest?”

“Green,” he breathed, getting into position as Grantaire turned his chair to put his feet up on his back. 

They stayed in that position for a bit before Grantaire said, “You look so perfect like that mi sol, my strong handsome man submitting to me so beautifully.”

Enjolras sighed serenely, sinking further into the position.

He looked like he was still happy, and he wasn’t shaking, so Grantaire decided to let him stay there for just a few more minutes. He heavily crossed one ankle over the other, letting his heel dig into Enj’s back. He quickly finished his sketch, then gently lifted his feet, and brought them to the floor.

“Come here, mi amor. Crawl over and kneel up. That’s a good boy. Right in front of me. Just like that.” Enjolras looked up at Grantaire with that soft faraway smile that he got when he was floating happily in subspace, and Grantaire felt a surge of affection for his boy. “So perfect for me. My obedient boy. Almost as good at following orders as you are at giving them.”

Enjolras only had a moment to preen under the praise before Grantaire slapped across his face. He opened his mouth to say something but Grantaire cut him off, backhanding him across the other cheek. Enjolras looked up at him for a few moments, as though expecting more. When he finally whispered, “Thank you, sir,” Grantaire took his face in both hands and gently pulled him up to place a gentle kiss on his forehead. It was amazing, knowing that he was the only person who could bring Enjolras to his knees. And not only was Enjolras on his knees- he was also putty in Grantaire’s hands.

“Would you like me to spank you, mi precioso?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Do you want my belt?”

“Yes, sir. Please? I want to hurt. I want it to be the only thing I can think about. Please.”

“Okay, sweetheart. I’ve got you. I’ll take care of you, my perfect boy.” Grantaire stood up, gestured for Enjolras to lay over the chair and took off his belt. He knelt down by Enjolras’s face to talk to him. “I know we said clothes stay on, so I just want to clarify something. Are you okay in your boxers or do you want to leave your jeans on?”

Enjolras shrugged. “Can you decide?”

“Of course, darling. Pull them down a bit for me. I’m gonna start with my hand.” He helped Enjolras get his jeans down to his knees then ran his hand soothingly down his back. “You’ve been so perfect for me Enj, so good and obedient. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

“Good. Kinda floaty. It’s nice.”

Grantaire smiled. He was so happy he could do this for his beautiful boyfriend, and that Enj trusted him enough to be this vulnerable with him. He would do anything to make him Enjolras feel better, and fortunately, this was something he enjoyed too. It was nice to be able to get out of his head and just focus on Enjolras for a while. As long as he made sure Enjolras was safe and happy and floating peacefully in his own head, Grantaire was good enough. It was a lot of responsibility sometimes, but it was so, so worth it, particularly right now, with his amazing boyfriend doubled over a chair in front of him, waiting to be spanked. Christ.

“You’re doing so good. So, so perfect for me, my love.” Grantaire place a kiss at the nape of his neck, then brought his hand down swift and hard on Enjolras’s ass, letting the crack of the blow ring in the air. He brought his hand down again, enjoying the way Enj’s hips moved, as though he wasn’t sure if he wanted more, or wanted to get away. With the next smack he began a rhythm: not too hard, and not too fast. He made sure to keep his hand steady and predictable so Enjolras could fall into the pain. Before long, he felt the heat coming off of Enjolras’s skin and knew it was starting to turn pink. He didn’t bother counting, knowing that once his hand started burning, it meant Enjolras’s ass was burning too.

“Let’s take a little break, tesoro. Can you stand up for me? Good boy, so wonderful.” Grantaire helped Enjolras to his feet and pulled his jeans back up over his hips, quickly redoing the button. He sat down in the chair and led Enjolras into his lap. He let Enjolras nestle his head into the crook of his neck and held his waist securely with one arm, running his free hand through the other man’s hair, occasionally stopping to scratch across his shoulders. Once Enjolras’s breath had come back to normal, Grantaire decided he was ready for more.

“I want to take you down a little further. Let’s get you in position for my belt, alright?” Grantaire prompted, squeezing his ass playfully, before helping him lay back over the chair. Once he was settled, Grantaire looked him over before asking, “Color?”

“Green, sir.”

“Good. I’m going to leave the room for just a moment, alright, my love? Count backwards from thirty for me. I promise I’ll be back before you get to zero.” 

Grantaire walked quickly, he didn’t want to be out of the room a moment longer than necessary. He quickly filled two glasses of water and grabbed two juice pouches from the cabinet, cursing himself for not thinking of this earlier. He hurried back in, shut the door, and set the drinks on the desk, then moved immediately to put a hand on Enjolras’s back, making absolutely sure Enj knew he was right there. “I’m back cariño. You stayed so still while I was gone, so obedient for me, my sweet, perfect boy.” 

Enjolras smiled shyly under the curtain of his hair. He looked so beautiful like that. Grantaire knew better than to actually call him beautiful, especially when he was already feeling self-conscious, but there wasn’t really a better word for it. “Handsome” didn’t quite capture his radiance, but “radiant” seemed too ethereal, as though ignoring his humanity. Grantaire took a moment to be glad that no one else could hear his thoughts. He knew he was being incredibly sappy, waxing poetic. But who could blame him? Waxing poetic was designed for people in love, and Grantaire was certainly one.

“Okay, sweetheart, I’m going to use my belt now. I just need you to relax for me.”

He swung his belt at full length for the first five, enjoying the sound of it swishing through the air and the little crack when it hit Enjolras’s ass and upper thighs, then he doubled the belt over. He didn’t want to bruise deep enough that Enjolras would have trouble sitting the next day, but Enjolras had asked Grantaire to hurt him, and he planned to. He brought the doubled belt over the thickest part of Enjolras’s ass a few times, then across both legs down the length of his thighs, imagining how they must be turning red under his jeans. He worked the belt back up his thighs and up to the waistline of his jeans, and then began back down, hitting just hard enough to hear the thud of the belt. Once he thought Enjolras had fallen into the pattern, he struck once sharply across the thickest part of his calves. 

Enjolras started and let out a little squeak. There were beads of sweat across his forehead and soaking into his hair at the back of his neck.

Grantaire brought the belt down once more across the meat of his ass, then dropped it. He bent down to bring a hand through Enjolras’s hair. “You did so well for me, love. We’re done now, okay, mi amor. Let’s get you down from there. I’m so proud of you. C’mon”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mi precioso- my precious one  
> Mi sol – my sun  
> Mi amor – my love  
> Tesoro - treasure


	3. Take Care of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really short because that's how it turned out. 
> 
> Chapter contains: aftercare, mild sub drop/ adrenaline crash, cuddles and juice

Grantaire maneuvered Enjolras to the ground and onto his side, with his head in Grantaire’s lap. Enjolras curled his limbs up into himself and took hold of the hand that Grantaire had put on his arm, pulling it in toward his chest. Grantaire leaned down and kissed his temple softly, then sat back up, carding his free hand soothingly through Enjolras’s hair. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Grantaire noticed that Enjolras was crying.

“Enj? Are you alright, sweetheart?

He nodded.

“Just crying because you need to cry?”

Another nod.

“That’s okay, mi amor. You can cry. You did so well for me, my handsome boy, my sweet man. Can I hold you?”

Enjolras practically threw himself into Grantaire’s lap, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck, and burying his face into the juncture between Grantaire’s neck and shoulder. He clung to him tightly as he sobbed.

“Okay, love, alright. I’m right here. I’ve got you. I’m going to take care of you, mi corazón. Just let it out. It’s okay. That’s it. You’re okay.” Grantaire felt like he was babbling as he ran one hand down his boyfriend’s back, but he knew that it helped ground Enjolras when he could hear Grantaire’s voice and feel the vibrations in his chest. “I’ve got you, cariño. You’re here in my arms. You’re mine and I promise I’ll take care of you. I love you so much, my sweet, perfect boy. You were so good for me. Always so perfect.”

Once Enjolras’s tears had started to subside, Grantaire pulled back enough to see his face. He wiped the tears gently from his cheeks and placed gentle kissed on his eyelids and forehead. “Can you drink some juice for me, corazón? I got the punch flavor you like.”

“The red one?” Enjolras asked suspiciously.

“Of course, the red one. Who do you think I am? Combeferre?”

Enjolras let out a teary little giggle and took the juice pouch. Grantaire pushed the straw into his own juice, which was promptly stolen by Enjolras, who, apparently, had decided that putting his own straw into his juice was beneath him. Brat. He kissed his head affectionately and picked up Enjolras’s own abandoned juice and straw. They finished their drinks, and Grantaire leaned over to throw the trash into the wastebasket. He lost his balance and fell backwards, pulling Enjolras down on top of him. He leaned up and nuzzled his nose against Enjolras’s, then placed a soft kiss on his lips.

“How are you feeling, sunshine?”

“Better. I love you.”

“I love you too, Enj. So, so much.” He gave Enjolras another sweet kiss before asking, “Do you think you’re ready to move to the couch, mi amor?”

“Yes, sir. Help me up?”

Grantaire clumsily got them both to their feet, handed Enjolras a glass of water, and took the other one for himself. He took Enjolras’s hand and led him into the living room. He settled himself at one edge of the couch so that Enjolras could have some space if he wanted it. 

Enjolras laid down with his head on Grantaire’s thigh and looked up at him. “TV?”

“Of course, tesoro. Whatever you want. Anything for you.”


	4. In This Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter contains: food mention, post scene discussion, cursing, internalized fatphobia, internalized self-hatred. 
> 
> Please Be Advised:  
> Grantaire spirals pretty badly in this chapter. If you think that might be triggering for you, please don’t read this chapter. There is no more kink here anyway. This is just feelings and shit for my own sense of closure.

Grantaire clicked the tv off. They had already watched two old episodes of Queer Eye and eaten most of the Indian food they’d had delivered.

Enjolras was curled up at the other end of the couch, nibbling on his last piece of naan.

“Okay, cariño, are we ready to talk?”

Enjolras turned to face him better. “I believe so. What all do you want to know?”

“Well first of all, how was the scene? How are you feeling?”

“It was good. The way you started was just right for how I was feeling. It was like there was no pressure for me to go down right away and I think that actually helped me get there faster. My ass stings a little, but in the good way.”

“Okay, um, was there anything you didn’t like?” Grantaire didn’t know why he always asked this question. He knew Enjolras would tell him if he had done something that didn’t work. He just needed the reassurance that he had done well, that he hadn’t fucked everything up.

Enjolras considered the question for a moment. “No. It was the right amount of pain and the right length of a scene for tonight. You working on other things was nice because it took some of the pressure off. Sometimes I feel like I have to look like the perfect sub during scenes- like I have to perform for you, which is fun sometimes, but it wasn’t what I wanted tonight. And it was great. I wasn’t… on display. But it also wasn’t as though you were ignoring me. You kept touching me and talking to me. I knew you were always at least aware that I was still there.”

“I was more than just aware of you. You should see that sketch. There’s hardly anything there, I was so focused on you, like I didn’t want to take my eyes off of you.” He looked down at his hands and paused for a moment before asking, “Was it okay that I left the room for a minute? I forgot to grab something to drink before we started, and I didn’t want to leave you there or make you move right after, but I felt horrible leaving you alone in sub space.”

“It was alright, Grantaire. You weren’t gone long, and you didn’t just leave without talking to me. I didn’t panic because I knew you would be right back and all I had to do was stay put and count. And then you were back again just like you promised. I trust you. You’ve never hurt me in a way that I didn’t want to be hurt, and I trust that you’ll do anything in your power to make sure that stays true. Now, that being said, I would prefer you not make a habit of leaving the room during scenes because the connection is such an important part of it, but one time isn’t a big deal, especially when it was less than thirty seconds. Honestly, Grantaire, the scene was perfect for what I needed. One little lapse in preparation isn’t going to ruin a whole evening of thoughtfulness.”

“But I renegotiated mid-scene.”

“Technically, all of my clothes did stay on. One article just got, shall we say, temporarily displaced? Really, Grantaire, everything was good. You knew that I would want a bit closer contact for that bit, and you were right. Plus giving a spanking over jean pockets sounds like it could be a bit miserable. I don’t blame you for not wanting that.”

“You’re sure everything was okay?” Grantaire hated that he needed this much reassurance. It was pathetic. Tonight was supposed to be about taking care of Enjolras, and now here he was, asking Enjolras to baby him, to convince him that he wasn’t a terrible boyfriend and a terrible dom. He trusted Enjolras to tell him what he needed. He trusted him to be honest. But he still felt like he had done something wrong- like he had done everything wrong. Holy shit, he had done everything wrong. He never should have asked. Now Enjolras was having to lie to him to spare his feelings. Why did he even put up with Grantaire? Why did anyone put up with Grantaire? Even Grantaire could hardly stand Grantaire. He was ugly and careless and rude and the world’s worst dominant and the world’s most pathetic boyfriend and now Enjolras was talking and Grantaire wasn’t even listening because he was stupid and thoughtless and it was only a matter of time before Enjolras left him because sooner or later he would realize that Grantaire was fat and irresponsible and incapable and reckless and vulgar and still! not! listening!

“… manage to be so gentle with me even when you’re hurting me and honestly it can be almost overwhelming how much love you express when… Grantaire?”

Fuck. “Yeah?”

“You aren’t listening to me.” It wasn’t accusatory. Just matter of fact. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

“Nothing.”

“Highly unlikely. First of all, in my experience, you are almost always thinking about at least three different things at the same time. And more importantly, I know that face, Grantaire. You don’t have to tell me, but I’d appreciate if you did.”

Grantaire put his face in his hands. He knew he couldn’t lie to Enjolras, so it would probably be easiest to just tell him. “I don’t deserve you. I feel like I fucked everything up and I’m a terrible dom and you deserve someone so much better than me. You deserve someone more like you: someone smart and well-spoken and handsome and… I’ll never be good enough for you. I’ll always be dragging you down.”

“Grantaire, am I stupid?”

Grantaire looked back up at Enjolras, completely befuddled. “Are you-? No. Of course not.”

“Do I accept things that I feel are not up to standard?”

“No, but- “

“Then please trust me to know what I want. I want you. I love you, Grantaire. You’re kind and creative and intelligent. You’re funny and thoughtful and personable and so many things that I could never be. I don’t want to be with someone like me. I want to be with someone who is all of the things that I’m not- someone who can help round me out- someone like you. You are everything I was looking for and more.”

That should be enough for him. That should be more than enough. Enjolras was honest to a fault and if he said he loved Grantaire, then it must be true. So why did Grantaire feel like he needed to prove him wrong?

“But I’m ugly.”

Enjolras started to respond but Grantaire kept going. “I’m fat and I’m ugly and my stomach is disgusting, and my thighs are huge, and I’m covered in stretch marks and my face is…” he couldn’t come up with a word and just gestured at his own face instead, expecting his looks to make his point for him. “And you could have someone so much better.”

Enjolras studied him for a long moment, then sighed. “You wouldn’t believe me if I disagreed. I can tell you you’re wrong, that you don’t understand. I can tell you that I love the way you look: your soft, cuddly belly; your big, strong legs; your amazing smile. I could tell you everything I love about your body and face and it wouldn’t make a difference because you would never believe me.”

He was right, of course, Grantaire wouldn’t believe that anyone could love the way he looked.

“But I don’t actually care about all that,” Enjolras continued. “I mean, I love your body, but even if I didn’t, I would still love _you._ I don’t care about your looks. I care about your mind. I care about your heart. You are so much more than your body, Grantaire. You are everything that you’ve accomplished, everything that you’ve been through, everyone that you’ve loved. That’s who you are. That’s who I fell in love with. You are a _person,_ not a _body._ I can’t stand when people judge me just for my body instead of who I actually am, and it breaks my heart that you do yourself the same disservice. I know you have a hard time believing that your body is worthy of love. Obviously, I struggle with the same thing, however different our reasons are. Do you think you can try to learn to love yourself as a person? Or at least recognize that you are worthy of being loved and that all of the people who love you have a million reasons for it?”

Grantaire nodded. “I can try. I can keep trying, it’s just…”

Enjolras moved across the couch to him and took his hand. “I know, mon coeur. It’s not easy. But we’re in this together. I’m here to support you, just like you support me, and I will make sure I never go a day without telling you how much I love you, and hopefully some day you will love yourself too.”

“I can’t promise you that I ever will. But I promise that I believe you when you say that you love me.”

“Well for now, that’s enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading all of this. I write so rarely and would absolutely adore any feedback!

**Author's Note:**

> I am open to any feedback, including constructive criticism. 
> 
> Please bear in mind that my experiences with kink, dysphoria, autism, depression, and anxiety are not universal. They are still valid and I have done my best to be authentic in the way I have portrayed these things.


End file.
